


Junpei, the Snail Stomper

by TopicalAmazon (Animasta)



Category: Zero Escape (Video Games), Zero Escape: Zero Time Dilemma - Fandom
Genre: Akane has the best party ideas, Carlos is a COWBOY, F/M, Gen, Junpei is a meme, M/M, Snail abuse, Snails, seriously imagine him as a cowboy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-12-16 06:01:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11822688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Animasta/pseuds/TopicalAmazon
Summary: Crashkeys' first visit to France goes... about as well as you'd expect.It takes Aoi hours to scrub Junpei's face from the internet.





	Junpei, the Snail Stomper

**Author's Note:**

> So I read so many of the Carlos/Akane/Junpei fics and then they ran out and I still want to read them. So I made one instead!

“You do know that I’m telling Carlos immediately once we get back home, right?” Akane said smugly to Junpei in Japanese as he was being discharged, “and he said it was going to be ME that got in trouble with the cops! That’ll show him!”

“Yeah yeah, gloat more.” Junpei grumped as the handcuffs were being unshackled, “He said that mostly because you ARE the one that usually gets into trouble. Just because I had a bit of an… episode…”

“Episode?” Akane rolled her eyes slowly, “That was hardly drunk and disorderly, Jumpy.”

“Huh? Yeah, you got it.” He said to the cop in English before switching back, “Well excuse me, old woman. Those damned snails started this whole thing!”

\------

Junpei wasn’t usually alone when they were out hunting down leads on this mysterious religious fanatic that may or may not be real, but Akane was busy discussing their schedule with SOIS, as well as whether they’d be sharing resources about an operation SOIS was working on. She was going to, but Akane liked to make them stew sometimes.

Plus, this was his own lead he’d gotten from a contact in the CSI. The lead in question was a little… old fashioned. He didn’t believe in women working in the police or anything, really, because it was ‘too dangerous’. Little did he know that out of their entire organization, it was Akane that was the most dangerous.

(they legitimately gave her a trophy during their Christmas party that said ‘most dangerous Crashkeys member in 2028’, mostly because Aoi and Akane had gotten into a heated argument and this was the only way Sigma could come up with before they tried to solve it themselves)

Unfortunately, the contact had just texted he was going to be 3 hours late, so he had some time to kill. The part of Paris he was in wasn’t really the touristy area either, so he either had to wait somewhere, go back to the hotel (which was 30 minutes away) or walk somewhere else.

He’d decided to get some food, as he hadn’t eaten since breakfast. He’d never really been to France before, just a few layoffs in airports, so he was looking forward to trying some different cuisine. Hopefully it was better than when they’d been in Stockholm a few months ago.

Honestly, who the fuck wants to eat salted candy?

As he found a local restaraunt, his phone rang with the ringtone that he definitely made sure not to have when he was at home, or when Carlos was travelling with them. He thought it was embarrassing for some odd reason…

“Hey Carlos.” Junpei said smoothly as he only half glanced through the menu, “Isn’t it pretty early for you?”

“Maybe, but I missed you guys… Missed you.” Carlos said hesitantly, “I wasn’t expecting you to not be where Akane was and, uh… I worried.”

Carlos still had a problem expressing affection for Junpei, due to his small town origins, as well as the very present homophobia that plagued his last fire station. Even though he wasn’t working there anymore... And it was 2029! It was easier for him to talk about it with Akane, but Junpei knew Carlos loved him. Loved both of them.

He still found it amazing when he, as they were leaving to get on their plane to Paris, decided to kiss him in full view of everyone.

(Akane gave him a big smile as he kissed her as well, then when he stepped back Maria gave him a high five after he was done and he burned even redder, if that was even possible…)

“I’m fine. My contact just texted me to say he’d be 3 hours late, and I was worrying about being bored all that time while waiting.” Junpei smirked to the phone, “Luckily some hot cowboy decided to ring…”

“Junpei, did you change my ringtone back to that awful Kid Rock song?” Carlos says with a bark, “Junpei. What did I, very politely, ask you?”

“To not change your ringtone?”

“And what did you do, instead?”

“Change your ringtone?”

“I don’t think this can stand…” Carlos said with danger in his words, “That sounds like someone wants to be… punished.”

Junpei sat up a little straighter (ha) in his seat and said mockingly, “Punished, huh? I’d like to see you try. Better shine your spurs, cowboy…”

“You’re hopeless, I swear.” Carlos said, undoubtedly rolling his eyes as he said it, “Seriously though, I don’t want to keep you from your food. Plus, I kinda want to get my run in before it gets too hot.”

“No problem babe.” Junpei grinned, “Loveeee youuuuuuuuuuuuu”

“You too.” He said with a warm tone as he hung up.

“Now, are you FINALLY ready to order?” His waiter was slightly annoyed, as he’d been sending him away for 5 minutes, and he was one the only person in the restaurant. 

“Sorry, sorry.” As he glanced at the menu more thoroughly, he noticed a certain menu item that set his mind alight with terrible ideas. This was a really really bad idea that would undoubtedly get him into trouble, but after the Decision Game he hadn’t seen these things ONCE!

“The Escargot. Double it too.” He says with more seriousness than a 13:00 lunch order really deserves, “Quickly!”

The waiter stepped back at the strange look in his eye, before nodding and leaving hastily. He even saw the waiter discussing the order with the head chef, and the waiter was definitely making the motion for “this man will murder you if you do not get it quickly, HURRY”.

He’d discussed the snails a few times with various people, mostly Eric, who had honestly gained a whole new phobia of snails after the Decision Game. Luckily he was going to therapy anyway, but every time he saw a snail he would go right back to after his mother had been murdered (by his literal fiancee but none of them even wanted to go NEAR that mess). He’d always wanted to discuss it with Akane or Aoi as well but, well, there was a reason they were discussing who was more dangerous.

Still, there was a moment he was talking about it with Diana that made him think. Diana had told him that she really didn’t like killing animals, but even she couldn’t hold back when she’d ran across a snail near the courtroom. If literal human saint Diana couldn’t hold back, how were any of them supposed to?

“Your order, uh, sir.” The waiter abruptly put it down, interrupting his musings, and ran off. There were other people in the restaurant now, a little kid playing with her mother’s phone. He felt sorry for what they were about to witness.

He stared at the offending animals, made up to be food. He glared at them, as if they were able to SHIFT back to their former brethren and persuade him to not be at that fucking trail. Heck, maybe they were? During the Nonary Game there was lots of talk about how Morphogenetic fields were used by every single living thing.

Hopefully they were in a better universe than the one they became Escargot in.

He picked one up and bit down on it hard, hurting his teeth (these shells were way too soft!) It had quite a nice flavor, and it was actually really good. Unfortunately, he was way too angry at literal cooked animals to enjoy it.

He put the plate down roughly, and as he stared down, he could see the child pointing his phone at him. He smiled at it; if he was going to be a meme, then might as well showcase his dashing good looks, right? He cleared his head with a shake and raised his foot, dangling it over the plate for a few seconds in anticipation, warning everyone around that there were about to be snails everywhere.

When he brought down the foot, he was actually surprised. The plate broke pretty cleanly, and the snails didn’t spread as far as he’d expected. The little girl was giggling, despite the fact that the mother was glaring at him with scorn in her eyes. He shrugged and kept stomping.

“Sir, I have called the cops.” The waiter yelled from the kitchen, still worried about this strange man’s sanity. Junpei merely nodded and kept stomping.

As soon as the police showed up, he willingly accepted arrest with a final stomp.

\------

“Admittedly, the snails were pretty good.” He finished quietly in their rental car.

“Junpei…” He was expecting an admonishment, a wag of the finger, but…

“I collect and burn snails together with Aoi on the day our father was arrested and our mother committed suicide. I’m not adverse to letting you or anyone else into it!” Akane giggled and hugged Junpei awkwardly from the driver’s seat, “We should do that at the next Decision Game anniversary!” She considered something as she was pulling out of her parking spot, “Oh, do you think Eric will be okay with it?”

Junpei’s only answer was silence.

**Author's Note:**

> #snailburningparty2030
> 
> Seriously everyone probably hates snails right? Maybe not Sean but Sean is precious orb and doesn't hate anything and now I want a fic of him and Luna being cute af robots together D:


End file.
